3 yellow gifts of fresh mercy

1. I have not enjoyed coaching basketball this season. And I haven't given it my best, if I am honest. But the look on little Peyton's face today after making her shot in the game was somewhere between pride and appreciation. Made me feel as if coaching was worth it.

2. Char, who hates grocery shopping, joined the excursion today and lightened my load.

3. I read thru my journal today. I had forgotten much of the past. So thankful for God's merciful hand that has guided me thus far.

Day 7 :Just a quote

I am still writing. I am just not posting everything. :) I found this quote as I was writing today. It reminded me of this process of allowing my passion to come forth.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." -- C.S. Lewis

40 years

On the occasion of my 40th birthday, June 29, it is fitting to reflect on where I have been and where I am. Since it is now August, and I have perspective of that "terrible" (wink wink) day, I should publish this unfinished musing.

As you may or may not know, after eating healthy, working out five times a week and not losing weight, I hired a nutritionist in January. On top of the lack of changes externally, I was exhausted, achy and not sleeping well. Sounds like old age, right? That's what I thought too. But, it turns out there is a cure for messed up hormones and some effects of the aging process (at least there are ways to make getting older easier)! Doc Sage Campione helped me identify the issues and work toward getting healthy.

I also had a goal of being pregnant by my 40th birthday. My whole life I have wanted to have kids and raise a family. Doc Sage is on it! She has been super encouraging. I have been eating like a rockstar. My hormones are balancing. The supplements are helping me feel better. For the first time in my life my body actually has the capacity to have a child.

What I didn't tell Doc Sage is that I made a deal with myself after my divorce that if I didn't get pregnant by 40, I was done. It would be fine. But, that time in my life would pass and it was a good cut off point emotionally -- it wasn't meant to be.

So, on the occasion of my 40th birthday, I STRUGGLED. I mean really struggled with getting older. Right at the time I had opportunity to have a family, my time was up. I had set this arbitrary timeline to help me deal with the emotion of not having a family, when in fact it set off a completely different set of emotions surrounding fairness and timelines and numbers.

Silly, right? Right. But, the drama was worth the full circular understanding that everything is alright. God is still in control. He still has a plan for me. He still loves me beyond measure. He has blessed me beyond understanding. And, children or not, He always gives me what is best for ME. ...What is best for me..... The very best. And, He has the amazing ability to give me the best and at the same time give the best to my loves -- because He loves them, too. And, so, again I rest in His amazing grace.

Trusting it won't really burst

So, silly me, I thought I was through the healing. After the last few weeks I have decided the healing never really ends. :) At least not this side of heaven.

So much has happened in the few short weeks I've been here. Some big successes and some failures. But, God is enlarging my heart and teaching me how to love. Even in the midst of some painful revelations, He SHOWERS me with his love. He has sung His song of love over me. I am fighting to keep my heart open and not shut down. It seems for every ounce of pain, He replaces it with gallons of His grace and mercy and tenderness.

What a Love! What a Lover!

I am officially on the Captivating bandwagon. If you're a woman, you need to read this book. I say that with some hesitation, because I hated the book when I first read it. But, even if you hate it now -- you need to read it until you don't hate it anymore. LOL.

Maybe I just read it when I was ready to hear what it has to say. But, I love this book. And, when I try to think of one female who doesn't need to hear this message -- I just can't do it. Grab several boxes of kleenex and read the book. And, if you go to Valdosta, GA -- there is a half-price book store there. They have the pretty devotional version for $4.99. If I knew I was going to love it this much, I would've bought out the store on my way back to Wis. I'd keep one clean copy for myself since mine is tear-stained and snot-dripped.

And, I promise you, if you do the work and examine your heart, it will feel like your heart is going to be ripped out of your chest one minute and in the next, it will feel so full of God's love that it will burst. But, trust me, it won't. It's just stretching to make more room.

David Crowder Band - How He Loves (2009 Video & Lyrics)

Resisting the urge

Can I just say, I feel fantastic!! :) I mean really healthy and happy for the first time in a really long time. I suppose that these things don't happen all at once. But, it occurred to me the other day that I really am happy. And, as a result, my sales have increased, my rapport building with customers has increased, I laugh easier, etc...

So, I was thinking that I should link to a new blog. I should start something new that marks the beginning of this shift in the grief process.

And then I laughed. Out loud. Of all the lessons that I've learned over the last two years, it's that it's okay for my peas to touch my carrots. For the waffle syrup to spill over from one neat tidy little square to the next. That compartmentalization isn't healthy. In fact, while it protects in the short-term, in the long-run it can do much damage.

That in compartmentalizing my life I lose myself. Even when it hurts to read back over this blog and realize how really broken and messed up I was, I have to resist the urge to hide it. It's still who I am. It's a journal of progress. It's life. No need to pretend like the pain never existed. Rather the healing deserves a celebration!

Being revealed

Watching "How Do I Look" the other day (yes, I watch way too much tv), I saw a woman who was stuck in "fantasyland attire". Literally. She's a kindergarten teacher, who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to dress like a 5-year-old in princess outfits, and outlandish clothes -- the kind I pulled out of the toybox when I was a toddler to play dress up.

As this woman became aware of her fashion shortcomings, the hostess asked how she was feeling. She insightfully remarked, "I am being revealed."

Wow. While I was horrified by her lack of good fashion sense, I relate to her perfectly. I may not literally wear it "on my sleeve" but I have covered up who God is in me with emotional and spiritual "fantasyland" attire designed by who I think I should be -- not who I am. Nonetheless, God out of his deep love for me, has gently begun His revelation in me.

This morning, I went to church. While that may seem ordinary for some, for me, lately, that is new. The pastor is starting a series on the book of Revelation. (Funny, how I feel led to go to a church I've been dragging my heels to attend -- and the sermon comes at me with pinpoint accuracy.) I couldn't help but think that while the author, John, is revealing Christ to me. I am also being revealed. As I am tested. As trials come. As I confess my sins. As I allow Christ to become more central in my life, I become more aware of my shortcomings and the truth about me becomes more apparent.

I am naked. My heart is insipid and cold -- black as night. I cling desperately to the revelation of my God -- that it is only because of Him that I am whole. It is only by His grace that I heal. It is only because of His grace that I hope. He is everything -- the first and the last -- the One who was and is and is to come. I am nothing without Him.

My journey to authenticity

I am watching a TBS version of Sex and the City. The one where Sam has to give a breast cancer speech. As she's practicing the speech, Smith tells her that she seems stiff. He says that the most inspirational speeches are the ones where the speaker is authentic. "Keep it real."

It seems trite. Truly. But, it is now my inspiration for this blog. I want to be real. I want to live a "no-holds-barred" life. I want to be transparent. I want others to see the grace of God working itself out in me every day.

But, I am scared.

I like painting a perfect picture of myself for others to see. But, my life has not been lilly white. I wonder what others will think and if they will accept that I have -- and often -- fail miserably. So, this is my first step forward.