Weekend Reflection

Friday was brutal. It started well and ended horribly. When one aches, we all ache. Saturday we all felt a little bruised and beaten -- and we held each other with gentleness.

It is these moments when I am so deeply grateful for the teamwork our little family employs. It is all grace. I am grateful for how we truly love each other -- and how each of us knows we are deeply loved.

I am grateful that our home is a haven -- even though it is small and sometimes messy.

I am thankful for friends who listen and pray.

I am sad for those who do not know the kind of love that we share. The love that Jesus so clearly taught us -- our Source for loving each other.

Matthew 16:13-18 (NIV)

When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”


They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.

3 yellow gifts of fresh mercy

1. I have not enjoyed coaching basketball this season. And I haven't given it my best, if I am honest. But the look on little Peyton's face today after making her shot in the game was somewhere between pride and appreciation. Made me feel as if coaching was worth it.

2. Char, who hates grocery shopping, joined the excursion today and lightened my load.

3. I read thru my journal today. I had forgotten much of the past. So thankful for God's merciful hand that has guided me thus far.

3 gifts funny

1. Funny how I am looking for funny gifts, on a day that has been nothing short of challenging and exhausting. Thankful for always having reasons to be thankful.
2. Booty shaking in the front yard that embarrasses my family. Thankful for a booty to shake and a family to embarrass. :)
3. My niece, Hannah, trying to convince me to tell her what we bought for Grace's (her sister's) birthday present. Funny that she thinks I will believe her when she says she "won't tell". :) Thankful to share a laugh on the phone.

3 gifts ugly-beautiful

1. Devastation of floods and the beauty of community help.
2. A lifetime of wickedness redeemed in a single act of grace.
3. Sin revealed gives way to new life.

To moms of children with stepmoms

The emotions are running high -- buzzing. Sometimes that works in my favor for writing. Today, I am not so sure. But, this message is critical. I just left the house of the mother of my stepchild. She was beyond rude and out of control. She made me feel stupid and small in front of her child. Apparently, she was upset because I picked up her daughter for soccer (as she directed), but then I stayed for practice. When she found out her daughter didn't need her cell phone in case she (mom) was late because I would be there with her daughter,  she became hysterical. That led to a completely nonsensical tongue-lashing that I received from her in front of her daughter. I am embarrassed, but I am more sad for my stepdaughter -- and sad for her mother.

If you are a mother of a child with a stepmother, and that stepmother sees your child as much as you do, please know that I have the utmost respect for the heartbreak that you have come to know. As a stepmother, I understand that I will never understand the carried-for-9-months, out-of-the-womb bonding that you know. And, I can't imagine how it feels to not have that bonded child with me 100% of the time. I only know the pain because I see it in my husband on "transition day". But, because I am called on to pinch-hit. Because I have a responsibility to care for another's child 50% of the time with her father. Because I made a commitment to be part of a family with my stepdaughter. Because I genuinely love to be in her life and watch her play, I leave you these thoughts.

Moms, your sons and daughters love you unconditionally. Their love for you is because of the bond you share. They will never love another mom-like figure more than they love you. There may be plenty of mom-like figures in their lives -- grandmas, aunts, teachers, friends.... Just because that mom-like figure might be your former husband's wife does not change how your children see you. Your role in their lives is never threatened. Even if another woman tries to forcibly step in and usurp your authority. It just won't work. Their love for you is that strong. You will ALWAYS be "Mom".

Failing to understand this results in misdirected anger and frustration -- and the only ones who really get hurt are the ones you love so much -- your children. So snap out of it! Most often the real source of that threatened feeling is your inability to love yourself. Moms of kids with stepmoms, please understand this clearly -- God Loves You!! He wants you in a relationship with Him so that He can fill you with all the love and grace and wisdom you need for all the stuff that life brings on. He is the only one who can heal the pain, and be the emotional Source that you need every day.  If you want a phenomenal relationship with your children, understand God's incredible love for you and trust that your children love you unconditionally.

40 years

On the occasion of my 40th birthday, June 29, it is fitting to reflect on where I have been and where I am. Since it is now August, and I have perspective of that "terrible" (wink wink) day, I should publish this unfinished musing.

As you may or may not know, after eating healthy, working out five times a week and not losing weight, I hired a nutritionist in January. On top of the lack of changes externally, I was exhausted, achy and not sleeping well. Sounds like old age, right? That's what I thought too. But, it turns out there is a cure for messed up hormones and some effects of the aging process (at least there are ways to make getting older easier)! Doc Sage Campione helped me identify the issues and work toward getting healthy.

I also had a goal of being pregnant by my 40th birthday. My whole life I have wanted to have kids and raise a family. Doc Sage is on it! She has been super encouraging. I have been eating like a rockstar. My hormones are balancing. The supplements are helping me feel better. For the first time in my life my body actually has the capacity to have a child.

What I didn't tell Doc Sage is that I made a deal with myself after my divorce that if I didn't get pregnant by 40, I was done. It would be fine. But, that time in my life would pass and it was a good cut off point emotionally -- it wasn't meant to be.

So, on the occasion of my 40th birthday, I STRUGGLED. I mean really struggled with getting older. Right at the time I had opportunity to have a family, my time was up. I had set this arbitrary timeline to help me deal with the emotion of not having a family, when in fact it set off a completely different set of emotions surrounding fairness and timelines and numbers.

Silly, right? Right. But, the drama was worth the full circular understanding that everything is alright. God is still in control. He still has a plan for me. He still loves me beyond measure. He has blessed me beyond understanding. And, children or not, He always gives me what is best for ME. ...What is best for me..... The very best. And, He has the amazing ability to give me the best and at the same time give the best to my loves -- because He loves them, too. And, so, again I rest in His amazing grace.

3 Gifts Found Around a Table

1.) Playing "Would you rather?" with my family.
2.) Trying new foods and getting to know likes and dislikes.
3.) Praying together.

3 Gifts Bent, Beautiful, Loved

1.) Bent over from laughter with my husband.
2.) The relationship my parents have is beautiful. Thankful they still enjoy one another's company after 45 years.
3.) I am daily humbled at being deeply loved despite my tremendous shortcomings.

3 Gifts In Your Heavenly Father

1.) Freedom
2.) Protection
3.) Pure joy

3 Gifts In Your Dad

Really? Just three from this Daddy's Girl?? Does Voskamp have any idea how absolutely amazing my dad is? :)

Here is the thing about my dad, he just loves me. That's the gift. Every interaction he has with me exudes love. He accepts me just the way I am. He gives unrelentingly. He loves unconditionally. He totally gets me. He loves spending time with me. He is gentle when I am brash. He speaks truth to me when I am not thinking straight. He is a rock when life is upside down. He loves Jesus with all of his heart. And, even when we don't see eye-to-eye, he doesn't take it personally, he just encourages me to figure it out.

And his love doesn't stop with me. He genuinely loves Mark and Charlotte. He always asks about them. He embraces them openly. He is engaged and intune with their lives, even from a distance.

When it comes to Dad's I really got the best one. I mean, I know lots of people think their dads are the best. But, mine really is. If there was a superbowl of dads, mine would win year after year.

I could give detailed stories, but there aren't enough pages in the world to cover it all. And, by the time I was done, there would be nothing but a puddle of gratitude tears left of me.

I don't deserve the dad I have. But, I am exceedingly grateful for the grace that made him mine.

3 Gifts Moving

1.) Constant energy (Char) in our home is pure joy.
2.) Taking Mazie for a walk on a beautiful morning.
3.) Gentle lake breeze moving leaves, creating peaceful environment.

3 gifts in His Word

1.) I was loved before I was born. (Ps. 139)
2.) His discipline protects me. (Deut 8:5)
3.) He has conquered my demons. Nothing can keep me away from Him. (Rom. 8:38-39)

Everything is grace

The month of May was insane. As I started counting of gifts and reflecting on God's blessings, everything started getting really crazy. Mark had surgery, he lost his job, he found a job (which are old fear issues from my first marriage), my neighbor called the police on us for a completely ridiculous reason, my dearest friend's brother died....

And through it all, I didn't panic. There was that sweet voice in my head saying, "everything is going to be okay." And, at the beginning of June, I can honestly say that "everything is going to be okay." Perhaps all of the drama of the last 5 years has finally convinced me that in the midst of the drama is that steady voice of the Savior saying, "Yep, I've got this."

One thing I am sure of, as Voskamp muses, that everything is grace. We breathe in and we breathe out, the eucharisteo, as she describes it, a constant giving and receiving of grace that begins with Thanksgiving. But, the one thing that I still struggle with is being thankful for tragedy or evil. Not that I don't see the blessings that can come from such events -- but I have a hard time being thankful for the event itself.

I can be thankful for my divorce. I can even be thankful for the years that seem wasted when I was married to my first husband. I am thankful for the pain. I am thankful for the lessons learned and the new life I found. I am thankful for the change in my relationship with God as a result of my divorce. I get that.

But, to be thankful for the actual loss of a young life, for example, that is hard. Maybe it is something that comes in time. Or, maybe we remain thankful for the fruit that comes from pain and we are never thankful for the event. And, yet, it seems somehow if our God is the Giver of the best gifts, and understands the infinity of time -- even allowing tragedy in this world that is so short-lived -- then thankfulness for all things is the only response. I am not there, yet. I am only pondering.

It is for this reason, that I am so grateful for the gift of counting gifts. For the opportunity to acknowledge and develop a free flow of Thanksgiving to the One who loves us enough to give us gifts that are in our best interest. We just don't always see from His perspective -- and we never will at least until we no longer plant our feet in clay.

Trusting it won't really burst

So, silly me, I thought I was through the healing. After the last few weeks I have decided the healing never really ends. :) At least not this side of heaven.

So much has happened in the few short weeks I've been here. Some big successes and some failures. But, God is enlarging my heart and teaching me how to love. Even in the midst of some painful revelations, He SHOWERS me with his love. He has sung His song of love over me. I am fighting to keep my heart open and not shut down. It seems for every ounce of pain, He replaces it with gallons of His grace and mercy and tenderness.

What a Love! What a Lover!

I am officially on the Captivating bandwagon. If you're a woman, you need to read this book. I say that with some hesitation, because I hated the book when I first read it. But, even if you hate it now -- you need to read it until you don't hate it anymore. LOL.

Maybe I just read it when I was ready to hear what it has to say. But, I love this book. And, when I try to think of one female who doesn't need to hear this message -- I just can't do it. Grab several boxes of kleenex and read the book. And, if you go to Valdosta, GA -- there is a half-price book store there. They have the pretty devotional version for $4.99. If I knew I was going to love it this much, I would've bought out the store on my way back to Wis. I'd keep one clean copy for myself since mine is tear-stained and snot-dripped.

And, I promise you, if you do the work and examine your heart, it will feel like your heart is going to be ripped out of your chest one minute and in the next, it will feel so full of God's love that it will burst. But, trust me, it won't. It's just stretching to make more room.

David Crowder Band - How He Loves (2009 Video & Lyrics)

His Banner Over Me

"Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away His judgments against you. He has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; You will fear disaster no more. In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: Do not be afraid, O Zion; Do not let your hands fall limp.

The Lord your God is a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. "
-- Zeph 3:14-17 NASB

That wretched bar of soap

Ever played in the tub with your kid -- squeezing the slippery soap so tight that it pops out of your hand?

I do that with life sometimes. In fact, more often than I care to admit. I squeeze so tightly the things that I want that, sometimes, they slip out of my hand. Then, I go splashing around in the water of life looking for that slippery soap only to have it elude me once more.

Corrie Ten Boom identified it another way. She said, "I've learned to hold everything loosely, because it hurts too much when God pries my fingers apart and takes them from me." Ahhhhh. Yep. I've been there, too. When I hear that quote, I imagine my fingers being superglued to the things I want -- and the skin-ripping pain of having to relinquish what's "mine".

Don Uth, pastor at First Baptist Church of Orlando, said this past week, "We weren't made for this world -- hold life loosely." So true.

Ever tried it? Ever really tried to hold everything -- your thoughts, actions, hopes and dreams -- loosely? What about your coworkers, friends, family, kids, parents, bosses, teachers? Not carelessly. Loosely. Loosely so that God can reorganize, reshape, rework them for His purposes. Just as an empty vessel cradling precious gifts but not clinging to them.

Ever tried to hold multiple ideas from multiple people loosely? Can opposing ideas and thoughts really coexist? Can different personalities and ideologies become one?

Are we truly capable of allowing a fellow human -- moreover a fellow Christian or Christian leader -- to progress on THEIR journey and not on ours? Can we give them the grace to fall? Can we help them up without expectation of where their journeys may lead?

What about your best friend? What about your spouse? Can you allow him or her to be who God created him/her to be without expecting YOUR purposes to be fulfilled?

This is where my heart is these days. Trying to hold all of God's gifts loosely without anticipating how the pieces fit my purposes. Frankly, it's messy. I want to fix it. I want to create an answer that satisfies me. And yet I know that His timing, His purposes and His plans are far greater than my own.

My Dad Rocks

I love this from my Dad yesterday. "I have my daughter back. My wife has her daughter back. My daughter has her sister back. Her friends have their friend back. And, no, I won't pray for that to change."

Sovereign, not surprised

Grieving sucks. Really.

Now, after 3 weeks with people, I fully understand that I'm not the only one grieving. But, it still sucks.

What I know for sure after this weekend is that I am an absolute nutbag! A wack job! A looney toon! (Do you hear the funny farm sirens -- they're headed my way!)

The good news is this: as my friend Mike Garty says, "the King is sovereign, not surprised."

Thank You God for knowing exactly how we're wired. For your compassion. For seeing us through our grief. For holding us as we work it out.

The center

Okay, so I know I am not perfect. I know that God knows that I can and will fail miserably. But, I do get frustrated with my inability to constantly be holy and perfect -- especially when He is just so good to me.

These past two weeks have been amazing! We've been running our big "friends and family" sale at Sears. Usually it's a great time to make money, because our prices are so low. However, sometimes the sale is a bust. Anyway, this last two weeks, I've sold 70% of my appointments. The average is 20%!! Unbelievable. God has absolutely been looking out for my every need.

I feel like my response to Him is not enough. And, of course, it never will be. So, again, I rest in His grace. God is soooo good. And, I don't deserve it.

I am so helplessly dependent on God for my physical needs. Like a teenager who can't wait to grow up, sometimes, I want to hurry past this financially dependent stage. But, it's right here -- in the center of his protection and care and grace -- that I come to know his personal attention to me. Who else knows exactly what I need and when I need it? How much more loved and cared for does it really get? What better reminder of his care for me could I possibly want?

It is now that He is resetting the foundation for His personal, direct care for me in the small things. When bigger issues come around, these touchstones will serve as a reminder that I am ALWAYS in the center of His love.