40 years

On the occasion of my 40th birthday, June 29, it is fitting to reflect on where I have been and where I am. Since it is now August, and I have perspective of that "terrible" (wink wink) day, I should publish this unfinished musing.

As you may or may not know, after eating healthy, working out five times a week and not losing weight, I hired a nutritionist in January. On top of the lack of changes externally, I was exhausted, achy and not sleeping well. Sounds like old age, right? That's what I thought too. But, it turns out there is a cure for messed up hormones and some effects of the aging process (at least there are ways to make getting older easier)! Doc Sage Campione helped me identify the issues and work toward getting healthy.

I also had a goal of being pregnant by my 40th birthday. My whole life I have wanted to have kids and raise a family. Doc Sage is on it! She has been super encouraging. I have been eating like a rockstar. My hormones are balancing. The supplements are helping me feel better. For the first time in my life my body actually has the capacity to have a child.

What I didn't tell Doc Sage is that I made a deal with myself after my divorce that if I didn't get pregnant by 40, I was done. It would be fine. But, that time in my life would pass and it was a good cut off point emotionally -- it wasn't meant to be.

So, on the occasion of my 40th birthday, I STRUGGLED. I mean really struggled with getting older. Right at the time I had opportunity to have a family, my time was up. I had set this arbitrary timeline to help me deal with the emotion of not having a family, when in fact it set off a completely different set of emotions surrounding fairness and timelines and numbers.

Silly, right? Right. But, the drama was worth the full circular understanding that everything is alright. God is still in control. He still has a plan for me. He still loves me beyond measure. He has blessed me beyond understanding. And, children or not, He always gives me what is best for ME. ...What is best for me..... The very best. And, He has the amazing ability to give me the best and at the same time give the best to my loves -- because He loves them, too. And, so, again I rest in His amazing grace.