Friday, January 2, 2009

Lessons I'm still learning.

I found this today. It was a journal entry I wrote my senior year at Taylor (circa 1994). I share this with you, because it is eerily true today. There are some lessons that we just have to keep getting better at -- and maybe never really fully grasp. Please read it with the understanding that I wasn't then -- or now -- depressed.

I was just pouring my heart out to the Lord telling him the details about my messy apartment -- and comparing it to how imperfect I am. (That hasn't changed, either!) And, I write, ". . . . Lord, You know I'm not perfect. You can see my entire life. Why am I so quick to point out to you my faults when you have already forgotten them? Why am I so quick to point out to you my desires and wants when you have already satisfied my needs? Lord, Jesus, sometimes I don't feel satisfied. Sometimes, I feel very empty and I know that I need you -- but I don't feel You or accept Your gifts to me. To be very honest, I'm having a hard time accepting Your will. I'm having a hard time giving my heart up to You. I'm scared of vulnerability."

Well, that sums it up, doesn't it? Sometimes, giving it all up is difficult, if not seemingly impossible. I just want to control that one part -- you know the one. The one that seems so hard to hand over to a perfect, all loving Father who only wants the best and has the power, foresight and compassion to give the best. Yep. That one. That's the one I want to store away and hold on to and control as I see fit -- at least until I mess it up so royally that I would prefer if God would just take over again -- and fix my mistakes.

I'm still that silly girl -- a little wiser perhaps -- but the resemblance is uncanny.

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